New relationships are quite complicated. Between trying to sort out your feelings and the thrills and excitement of just getting to know each other, so many things can get overlooked. But after those first few weeks or months, things start to settle down a bit and most couples start to come to the inevitable realization that they simply aren’t compatible.
It is a sad reality, but one of the reasons so many relationships don’t make it to the long-term is incompatibility. This can be on so many levels but the most common form is sexual incompatibility. Let’s face it; sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. So when two people realize they simply can’t match each other’s desire under the sheets, things can quickly go sour and trouble can break out in paradise in no time.
Does sexual compatibility matter?
According to sexologist Dr. Nikki Goldstein, “the reason why sex is so important in a relationship is that it helps us to bond and increase intimacy” thus when a couple can’t seem to find a common sexual rhythm. It can cause tension to build up and negatively impact the relationship in the long run.
One of the most common issues is that one partner can’t live without having sex or needs sex more than the other enjoys it. But this isn’t the only deal breaker as far as sexual incompatibility is concerned.
It is also possible that one partner has some sexual fantasies or wants to try out some things that the other isn’t willing to try. In this case, the problem isn’t just how much sex they are having but what goes on during sex.
The worst part is, since people are always sexually evolving it is possible that a couple matches each other perfectly at the start of their relationship, then as they grow to like and explore different things, one partner begins to find it hard to keep up with the other.
How to handle Sexual incompatibility
To an extent, it is possible to work on sexual compatibility issues and find common ground. But there are some levels where there are simply too many boundaries to be crossed. In such cases, big issues might arise.
Nikki Goldstein believes being open and honestly discussing sexual issues can make all the difference. Couples should understand that in an intimate relationship, there are still boundaries that will be impossible to cross due to individual preferences. While certain things can be worked on and possibly adjusted, such should only happen when the person is willing to work on it and not as a result of pressure to please a partner.
The couple should also understand that sexual incompatibility issues cannot be resolved overnight. Thus the willingness to work on things and give themselves more time to come to terms with certain things will really help.
Also, since our fantasies, desires, turn-offs and turn-ons are always evolving, compatibility is an on-going conversation and not a one-time affair. At the end of the day, what would determine sexual compatibility is the willingness of both partners to put in the effort and try to make things work.